From Here to There

...it's one of the scariest things for me to do. Interestingly enough, I've done it before. In 2001, I trekked all the way from California to Indiana with my baby sister Kristi. Was probably one of the funniest experiences we ever shared together. I ended up staying in Fort Wayne for 8 months. But California called me back, and so I returned on the road - all alone.



Mom keeps pointing out how courageous it is for us to pick up and leave - I know that she is right. Still, I can't help but tense up in fear from time to time. I of course wonder about the "normal" things...work? the children's school? But what really has me reeling, is my fear of the people. A friend teased me once after I labeled myself as socially phobic. Called it the emotional disability of the 90's.


Unfortunately, I wish it was just a label. While I am quite good at faking an outgoing personality publically, on the inside I am fighting a battle to not let it consume me. I am terribly shy, even around those that I've known most of my life. My circle or comfort zone is very teeny tiny.

Don't Panic!

It's been about 36 hours since we learned we would soon be home owners. I am trying to keep the upper hand over my emotions, but there is an underlying sense of panic I can't totally ignore. I don't sopose I'll ever be 100% ready to leave the Golden State.



I decided to break the news to my "comadre" today. I really hated doing it by e-mail, but our schedules are so conflicting, I knew it'd be hard to catch her during the "right" moment on the phone. It totally broke my heart to read her response. I know it caught her off guard, and I am deeply touched to know that she will truly miss us. We have been friends for about 17 years now. I baptized her first-born 14 years ago, her second-born adopted me as her unoficial god-mother. We have grown up together and witnessed each other's troubles & triumphs. We rarely see each other these days, but through postings on Facebook & Myspace, we are in touch regularly. Somehow, it still really hurts to know we will be so far away soon.

The First Day...of the rest of my life!

Today, the wheels have been definately pushed into motion. My life has changed forever. At the age of 32, after many road blocks, setbacks, and shattered dreams...finally, I feel that I've gained momentum and am hurling into the future I have longed to create.



We are going to be homeowners! I still can't really believe it. It has been a puzzle that has slowly pieced itself together over the last five months. After some very careful manuevering and maybe a little bit of luck, we ended up with a nice little nest of cash savings. This seemed impossible a couple of years ago, but we did it. I decided it was time to do what I knew was going to be one of the hardest things ever...the time had come to abandom my hometown of 32 years and transplant our family to Indiana.



Born and raised in Santa Clara County (California), I've known that this was probably going to be the route I chose eventually. While our nest egg is a huge accomplishment for us personally, it is no where near being a decent down payment towards property here in Silicon Valley. I refuse to work a 60-hour work week just to buy a home. Mind you, I have worked 2 and 3 jobs at a time during periods of financial emergency. My biggest priorities are to spend as much time with my children as possible and to maintain a healthy life balance. I most certainly don't knock anyone who does by the way.



I have been discreet about our plans. For so many reasons, our departure will be celebrated quietly. My leaving means giving up one of the most important roles I've played in my in my life. It is an emotional struggle, as it is the same role that has been my reason for not leaving sooner. At the same time, while I would imagine most of our peers would be delighted by our news, many of them have just lost homes and/or jobs in this economic crisis (or are fighting to hold on).



I am so excited, terribly anxious, and scared. I am on my way from "Here to There".